Exorcist Rebrands as 'Spiritual Consultant,' Causing Field Chaos — Evil Spirit Demands 'Severance Pay' After PowerPoint Persuasion

A wave of “spiritual consultants” is sweeping the industry, ditching prayer beads for laptops in pursuit of a more civilized approach. They define evil spirits not as “enemies to be expelled” but as “unresolved issues,” logically encouraging them to vacate. However, spirits who’ve learned business jargon have begun demanding “compensation based on residency tenure,” plunging situations into deadlock. At exorcism sites, instead of sutra chanting, all-night contract readings have become the norm.

A compliance wave is crashing over the exorcism industry, long dominated by “purifying salt” and “demon-breaking arrows.” At the “All-Japan Spiritual Solutions Conference” held in Tokyo on the 6th, traditional forceful exorcisms were condemned as “spiritual harassment (spi-hara),” with a notable shift toward dialogue-based resolution. Their proposed method asks evil spirits not “Why are you staying here?” but “How can you achieve enlightenment?"—presenting ascension as a “career transition to your next stage.” MacBooks now adorn the altar, and instead of sutras, “Enlightenment Roadmaps” are projected onto walls.

However, this “corporate-minded exorcism” has produced unexpected side effects. The targeted earthbound and wandering spirits have rapidly developed business literacy. When a young consultant explained to the ghost of an Edo-period fallen samurai haunting an old Minato-ku apartment that “Your continued presence is damaging the asset valuation,” the spirit began to counter-argue. It claimed “300 years of security service track record” and demanded 30,000 premium incense sticks and an official apology letter from direct descendants as eviction compensation.

The field has descended into chaos. Cases that once concluded with a single cry of “Begone, evil spirit!” now drag into months-long negotiations. The spirit side has hinted at forming a Spirit World Labor Union, arguing that “unilateral enlightenment recommendations constitute wrongful termination.” Consultants attempt to use Non-Disclosure Agreements to prevent curse proliferation, but spirits exploit their physical advantage of having “no physical form to stamp contracts,” leveraging negotiations in their favor. Cries of “Sutras were faster” and “Logic can’t dispel resentment” are beginning to echo from exorcism sites.

One veteran exorcist spoke on condition of anonymity: “In the old days, sprinkling salt was the end of it. Now you must first satisfy the spirit’s ’need for recognition’ and present ‘benefits’ of enlightenment. The other day, I tried to convince a zashiki-warashi that ‘Your existence is a supply chain risk,’ but it shot back, ‘I’m a minor, so I’m protected under labor standards law.’” Did the rebrand to “spiritual consultant” modernize the industry, or did it merely awaken spirits’ rights consciousness? In late-night office buildings tonight, the endless staring contest between spirits and consultants across laptop screens continues.

Stakeholder Comments

• 30s Spiritual Consultant: “This isn’t exorcism. We’re supporting a ‘paradigm shift’ for souls. A win-win relationship is ideal.”
• Fallen Samurai Ghost (Under Negotiation): “I was baffled when they called my grudge ‘inadequate motivation management,’ but I’m prepared to engage in severance negotiations.”
• Property Owner: “I want a quick exorcism, but the consultant says ‘spirit consensus hasn’t been reached’ and it’s been six months.”
• Zashiki-warashi: “If you’re evicting me, I demand stock options commensurate with my track record of providing happiness.”
• Traditional Buddhist Priest: “Young folks these days carry USB drives instead of prayer beads. And spirits won’t even show up without Wi-Fi.”
• Spirit World Union Representative: “The era of unpaid labor just because you’re dead is over. We have residency rights too.”
• Purifying Salt Manufacturer PR: “Salt sales have plummeted. You can’t purify spirits with logical thinking.”
• Spirit Medium / Lawyer: “I’m getting more requests to handle possession cases as M&A (mergers and acquisitions).”
• Certain Earthbound Spirit: “When I asked ‘What are the post-enlightenment KPIs?’ the consultant froze and couldn’t answer.”
• PowerPoint’s Clippy: “Is what you’re trying to delete a past mistake? Or a spirit from your slides?”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Explaining to ghosts / break-even points — / a spring evening
• Consultant’s PowerPoint glows / the spirit laughs
• Even enlightenment / depends on the contract — / hazy moon
• No sutras read / terms and conditions recited / until dawn breaks
• No salt scattered / in the room echoes / keyboard sounds
• Fallen samurai / asserts his rights — / first spring wind
• Consultant’s sweat / shows through too — / ghost painting
• Recording resentment / in meeting minutes — / winter chill
• Cherry blossoms fall / negotiations collapse / see you next life
• Even spirits / in this stamp-seal society / dwell in darkness

Kanji / Chinese Characters

霊的顧問改名 数珠捨電脳開 悪霊課題定義 論理的退去促 対価請求泥沼 読経代契約書 徹夜交渉地獄

Emoji

👻💻👔📊🙅‍♂️ 📜✍️👺💰🛑 🏚️🗣️🧟‍♂️⚖️🌄

Onomatopoeia

Clack-clack, THWACK! (Sound of hitting Enter) Whooo-doro-doro… (SE sound effect) Murmur… murmur… (Spirits’ secret meeting) Gleam! (Glasses reflecting light) Silence… (A presentation that bombed) Commotion! (Negotiations break down)

SNS

• #SpiritualConsultant
• #ExorcismDX
• An evil spirit just called me “our company” lmao
• The samurai under negotiation is TOO compliance-focused lol
• #StopEnlightenmentHarassment
• Exorcism quote came in at over 3 million yen
• Even the spirit world is tough these days…
• If PowerPoint could exorcise, we wouldn’t be struggling
• #ProtectEarthboundSpiritRights
• Salt supremacy theory: making a comeback?