Leaving Work on Time is 'Lack of Heat': Government Designates Humans as Renewable Energy, Karoshi Becomes 'Honorable Complete Combustion'

On the 11th, the government, facing a worsening energy crisis, approved the “Human Thermal Recycle Bill” in a cabinet meeting. This bill designates the traditional Japanese resource of “guts” (konjo) as renewable energy (not biomass, but “Shachiku-mass” or “Corporate-Slave-mass”).

Moyuru Haida, Director-General of the Agency for Natural Resources and Energy, emphasized at a press conference, “We have established technology to convert the invisible heat of employees’ motivation into physical electricity. Let us become a hundred million balls of fire and illuminate Japan.” He declared a shift from the previous “Work Style Reform” to a fundamental “Combustion Style Reform.”

The core of the new system is the implementation of a “Combustibility Rank” on My Number Cards. AI analyzes health checkup data and overtime hours to classify citizens into three levels: “High-Octane Human Resources (High fat, high stress),” “Regular Human Resources (Average corporate slave),” and “Raw Wood (New employees, low motivation).” In particular, “High-Octane Human Resources,” finished with the stress unique to middle management and greasy meals at izakayas, are considered to have extremely high combustion efficiency and are obligated to be seconded (effectively fuel dropped) to state-of-the-art bio-thermal power plants in Tokyo.

This policy also drastically changes corporate evaluation standards. “Leaving work on time” and “using paid leave,” which had been recommended until now, are considered a waste of energy, i.e., “incomplete combustion,” and will be subject to a newly established “Cooling Tax.” A spokesperson for a major black company expressed welcome, saying, “Until now, we were criticized for crushing employees, but from now on we can puff out our chests for ‘contributing to decarbonization.’ Making employees work until they burn out is the ultimate SDGs (Super Do-konjo [Guts] Ganbaru [Work Hard] System).”

Furthermore, the “Honorable Complete Combustion” system, which radically revises the treatment of death from overwork (karoshi), is causing controversy. Previously, there were muddy disputes over workers’ compensation certification when someone collapsed from overwork during duty, but under the new law, it is immediately certified as “Complete Combustion.” Instead of the body being treated as industrial waste (cinders), the bereaved family is granted 5 million “Green Bereaved Family Points.” These points can be applied to electricity bill payments or the training costs (education expenses) for the next corporate slave.

Labor unions and human rights groups have raised voices of opposition, saying, “Humans are not firewood” and “Do not turn the sparkle of life into physical light,” but the government counterargues, “There is a demographic that feels they have been useful to society for the first time by being treated as burnable garbage.” A veteran trading company employee (54) who responded to a street interview said with hollow eyes, “If my life is going to be exploited by the company anyway, I want to turn the turbine at the end and disappear beautifully. That is my pride,” proudly displaying the “Burnable” mark on his My Number Card.

While the archipelago heats up both physically and mentally, bureaucrats in Kasumigaseki are scheduled to be put into the furnace as “pilot lights” on a trial basis starting next month. Will the flames of their self-sacrifice become a campfire that warms the chilled Japanese economy, or will it just be a scene of a fire? The heat level has already reached the danger zone.

Stakeholder Comments

• Director-General of the Agency for Natural Resources and Energy: “Citizens, please burn with a pale blue flame. Red flames have a low temperature.”
• HR Director of a major advertising agency: “We have a lineup of well-dried, easy-to-ignite new employees.”
• Incinerator Engineer: “Department manager classes with plenty of fat produce the best fire power. The crackling sound is different.”
• Employee of the Ice Age Generation: “I survived the employment ice age, but I never thought I would be treasured as fuel at the end.”
• Environmental Activist: “CO2 emissions when burning humans are a concern. Employees should be obligated to have a vegetable-centered diet.”
• Thermal Power Plant Turbine: “Recently, sounds like screams are mixed in, but the rotation speed is in top form.”
• Black Company Executive: “Working employees until they turn to ash is eco-friendly… the times have finally caught up with me.”
• Young Employee leaving on time: “If I’m going to be charged a Cooling Tax, I’d rather generate heat with a side job.”
• Bereaved Family (Point Recipient): “Dad came back as points. This month’s electricity bill is thanks to Dad.”
• Mysterious Lighter Man: “Motivation switch? Oh, do you mean this (flamethrower)?”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Overtime heat / Turns the turbine round and round / Corporate energy
• Burning out completely / Bereaved points keep winter warm / Sad economy
• Corporate slave fat / Pops and crackles in the hearth / Spring furnace fire
• Bell for leaving time / Incomplete combustion cold / Freezing winter night
• Turning into ash / Contribution to eco / My Number Card glow
• With sheer guts alone / Boiling water for the tea / Fiscal year end time
• High-octane manager / When he burns the city lights / Shine so very bright
• Death from overwork / Is complete combustion now / Cherry blossoms fall
• Life fire burning bright / Turning into joules power / Patriotism
• Burning people now / Saving the earth they all lie / Spitting out falsehoods

Kanji / Chinese Characters

政府根性資源化 定時退社熱量不足冷却税 過労死完全燃焼認定 遺族環境点付与 高脂質社畜火力発電所直行

Emoji

🔥👔🏢➡️🏭⚡🪦♻️💰💳😰

Onomatopoeia

• MeraMera (Roaring fire), GouGou (Rumpling sound).
• KariKari (Crispy), PasaPasa (Dry).
• DoroDoro (Mushy), GitoGito (Greasy).
• Chin (Ding), JaraJara (Jingling coins).
• HaaHaa (Panting), ZeiZei (Wheezing).
• Bo! (Whoosh!)

SNS

• #CorporateSlavePowerGeneration
• #WantToConnectWithHighOctaneTalent
• #CompleteCombustion
• #TaxedForLeavingOnTime
• #TravelingWithGreenBereavedFamilyPoints
• #CombustionStyleReform
• #MyCombustionRankWasRawWood
• #HumanThermalPowerPlant
• #DarkSideOfSDGs
• #WorkUntilYouTurnToAsh