Executives Suspected of Disappearance Amid Bridge Crack Neglect: Company Claims "Not Fleeing, Just Emergency Mental Care with A5 Rank Wagyu Beef"

Executives of a construction company, who had disappeared from a construction site at risk of collapse, held an emergency press conference at their headquarters in Tokyo on the 25th, three days after their disappearance. Their faces were greasy.

President Takeshi Ushijima (58) and two other executives, who had been missing since the discovery of the cracks three days ago, appeared on stage with unnaturally glossy skin. The venue was filled with the savory smell of burnt soy sauce and beef tallow, confusing the gathered press.

“We were absolutely not fleeing. We were conducting a 24-hour crisis management meeting in a robust underground shelter, specifically the VIP room of the members-only yakiniku restaurant ‘Ushidorobo’ (Cattle Thief).” President Ushijima explained while wiping the grease dripping from his face with a high-end handkerchief.

Regarding the reason they could not be contacted, he claimed, “As a result of choosing an environment where external communication was blocked to prevent the leakage of confidential information, we were coincidentally out of service range.” He insisted that the task of flipping meat on the grill was “part of advanced training to simulate the crumbling site situation and determine the optimal time to turn things around.”

A further shocking fact came to light when questions turned to the company’s internal accounting data, which had leaked during the press conference. It was discovered that the “emergency material costs” accounted for by the company included 40 servings of premium short ribs (kalbi), 15 blocks of Chateaubriand, and even high-end vintage wine. In response to this, Executive Director Shimofuri, who was also present, slammed the desk and argued, “To perform structural calculations as precise as the marbling of short ribs, direct energy injection into the brain is essential. These are all reinforcements to strengthen our bodies as ’living bridge piers,’ and are construction materials in a broad sense.”

This unprecedented claim was met with sneers and angry shouts from the venue. Furthermore, it was revealed that thick-sliced beef tongue was accounted for as “vibration absorption dampers” and lettuce (sanchu) as “eco-friendly greening sheets.” Regarding the points raised by the auditing firm, they showed a stance of shifting responsibility to the inadequacy of the smoke exhaust equipment, saying, “Visibility may have been poor due to the smoke from the yakiniku, so there is a possibility that we pressed the wrong account item button.”

Currently, the bridge in question continues to shed concrete fragments, and the situation does not permit optimism. However, the executives cut the press conference short, saying, “Thanks to sufficient nutritional supply, our mental state has recovered like steel. Next, we need to discuss dessert (post-incident processing),” and drove their official cars towards the downtown area of Tokyo again. Left at the scene were a bridge on the verge of collapse and the rich scent of garlic remaining after they left.

Stakeholder Comments

• President Takeshi Ushijima: “A leader’s greasy sweat is heavier than the blood and tears of employees. This shine is the brilliance of responsibility.”
• Site Worker: “While we were slurping cup noodles, the president was eating A5 rank ‘reinforcement materials’? The company will collapse before the bridge does.”
• Executive Director Shimofuri: “If you wrap it in sanchu, it’s practically an eco-activity. From the perspective of SDGs, that yakiniku was necessary.”
• Accounting Auditor: “Reading ‘Premium Harami’ as ‘Upper Beam Reinforcement Cost’ is not in any bookkeeping textbook.”
• Manager of High-end Yakiniku ‘Ushidorobo’: “I’ve never seen a ‘Crisis Response Headquarters’ with such a lack of tragic feeling. They ordered wine refills so fast, the kitchen was in a panic.”
• The Cracked Bridge: “I told you not to let heavy trucks pass, but what’s the point if you guys gain weight?”
• A5 Rank Wagyu Beef (From the Spirit World): “I am regretful that my life became an old man’s visceral fat instead of a bridge.”
• Economic Analyst: “Is this a proposal for a new concept called ‘Lipid Compliance’? The stock price has crashed, but blood sugar levels are limit-up.”
• Nearby Resident: “Do you understand how it feels to watch news about yakiniku while eating cold rice balls at an evacuation center?”
• Police Official: “Securing a reserved seat without securing an escape route can be said to be planned in a sense.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Apology meeting / The shine on the face / A spring evening
• Bridge cracks open wide / Smoke from grilling meat fills earth / Scent of burning fat
• Reinforcement goods / Actually premium beef / Winter realization
• Fleeing the scene / Rephrased as mental care / Corporate logic
• Money concealment / Disappears with grill marks / Into the stomach
• Only executives / Bellies growing fatter / Construction site
• No radio waves / Nurturing fat underground / In the basement
• Crisis management / Drunk on the sweetness of sauce / Forget the danger
• Sound of collapse / Louder sound of meat grilling / Sizzle over crash
• The receipt reveals / If roasted, the cow’s shadow / appears clearly

Kanji / Chinese Characters

• BridgeCrackNeglect
• ExecsYakinikuFlee
• GreasyFaceDefense
• PremiumMeatExpense
• BasementSignalBlock
• WagyuReinforcement
• TrustCollapseNear

Emoji

🌉⚡️🏃‍♂️💨🥩🔥🍷😋🚫📱📉💸😡

Onomatopoeia

• Sizzle sizzle, munch munch.
• Creak creak, crack.
• Shiny, glossy.
• Silence… murmur murmur!
• Jaw drop.
• Bang bang (sound of hitting a desk).
• Burp.

SNS

• #MeatWall
• #FixYourGutBeforeTheBridge
• #ReinforcementMaterialIsPremiumKalbiLol
• #GowanInfrastructure
• #MentalCarePhysical
• #ThreeDaysYakinikuIsTortureActually
• #AccountingStaffStomachAche
• #GreasyApologyConferenceLookedLikeAIGenerated
• #ThisIsJapaneseCrisisManagementCalorieIntake
• #CattleThief