"Going Paperless" Finally Reaches Fecal Tests. Company Mandates Mid-Air Catch for All Employees

Going paperless is a hallmark of the modern Reiwa-era corporation. Approval forms, pay stubs, business cards — every kind of paper has vanished into the digital sea, and physical paper has long been banished from the office. But who could have imagined that this wave of rationalization would finally wash up on the shores of “the human body’s sacred domain”?

On the 8th, a Tokyo-based IT consulting firm, “Econopia Inc.,” issued a jaw-dropping internal memo ahead of the spring annual health checkup: “Complete abolition of stool collection tray paper and mandatory direct collection.” The company pointed out that “the sheets distributed at two per employee consume thousands of A4 sheets’ worth of forest resources annually when combined across all staff.” Under the lofty principle of reducing environmental impact, all employees were ordered to perform “mid-air catch” — swiftly running the collection stick through the specimen before it reaches the toilet water’s surface.

Every morning, anguished screams echo from the company’s restroom stalls. Accurately intercepting a specimen in an invisible blind spot as it obeys the laws of nature and succumbs to gravity is an extraordinarily difficult feat. A split second too late and it crashes into the water, becoming a “submerged specimen”; too early and a catastrophe unfolds in one’s hands. Those who fail and drop the specimen into the water are deemed to have “a lack of environmental awareness” and are ordered to purchase a retest kit at their own expense for 3,000 yen. Employees are subjected to extreme tension on the toilet seat, and what was once a refreshing morning routine has transformed into a life-or-death mission.

Meanwhile, the management pushing this absurdity is all smiles. At the morning assembly, the company president delivered a passionate speech: “This isn’t just eco-friendliness. It’s about predicting the invisible and acting in an instant. This is the ultimate sustainable training to sharpen our dynamic vision and business reflexes.” He even trotted out a mysterious medical claim that “collecting specimens in their pure, pristine state before they touch the water yields higher-purity data,” justifying his own runaway initiative. His skill at coating the stingy truth of cost-cutting with the golden indulgence of SDGs is nothing short of masterful.

A few grams of paper resources preserved in exchange for human dignity. Does a sustainable society truly await on the other side of this absurdly unreasonable health checkup? For now, the only thing sustainably persisting in the office is the bizarre hand movements of employees slashing through the air like karate practitioners. As rumors swirl that the next eco-initiative under consideration is “abolishing toilet paper and promoting air drying,” the employees’ faces have turned paler than the water in the toilet bowl.

Stakeholder Comments

• Advocate CEO: “Don’t throw away paper — throw away common sense. The ability to grab things mid-air is the business skill needed to survive these turbulent times.”
• HR Director: “Retest fees for submerged specimens are deducted from salaries. Both employee health and company finances have tightened up.”
• Labor Union Representative: “Just let us have a peaceful morning in the restroom. It feels like human dignity is being flushed down the toilet.”
• Junior Employee: “I can’t tell my parents that the first skill I acquired after joining the company was ’no-look direct collection.'”
• Janitor: “Since they stopped using sheets, the toilets haven’t clogged at all lately. Wonderful eco-friendliness.”
• Gastroenterologist: “Whether you collect it mid-air or on a sheet, the test results are exactly the same. However, the patients’ stress levels have spiked abnormally.”
• Sports Scientist: “Pinpointing an invisible falling object from behind — this is more difficult than a center fielder catching a fly ball in professional baseball.”
• Stool Collection Stick: “I’ve been slicing through the air at unprecedented speeds. Was I actually a hidden weapon, not a medical instrument?”
• Toilet Bowl Water: “Hearing the sound of their defeat (splash) every day is my job.”
• Employee’s Wife: “My husband has been doing mysterious practice swings in the bathroom lately, and it’s terrifying. Is he fighting some invisible enemy?”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Spring morning — a hand slashes air, dignity scatters
• Saving paper yet dropping it — the sound of water
• The ultimate eco is tested on the toilet seat
• Checkup day — enduring the terror of submersion
• Spring breeze — like a dance of mid-air collection
• SDGs shouted by the boss, tears shed by staff
• One sheet saved yet no peace of mind
• Predicting the drop point — morning tension
• The sound of water echoes, three thousand yen vanishes
• In the name of eco — what was lost, there in the restroom

Kanji / Chinese Characters

令和企業8日通達 検便紙全面廃止決定 環境配慮名目空中直接採取義務化 水没失敗者自費再検査3000円没収 毎朝便所悲鳴交錯社長笑顔大絶賛 究極環境保護人間尊厳崩壊危機

Emoji

🚽🙅‍♂️🧻➡️💩🖐️✨ 💦💸😭🏢🌿🌍📈 🕴️🗣️「💯🌱」📉😰

Onomatopoeia

Splash… “Nooo!” Swoosh, snap. Tremble, tremble, shake, shake. Smirk! Swish, catch! Ding.

SNS

• #DirectCollection is the most powerful word of the year.
• I spotted a coworker doing practice swings in the restroom… should I say something?
• Stop disguising cost-cutting as SDGs! #BlackCompany
• A 3000 yen penalty for failure is probably a labor law violation???
• Next they’ll abolish toilet paper too #EndgameOfGoingPaperless
• Hearing someone shout “I missed!” from the restroom every morning — worst workplace ever.
• What even is paper resources preserved at the cost of dignity?
• Apparently the sense of achievement from a successful mid-air catch is absurdly high.
• Are they training ninjas or something? #Econopia
• The CEO who came up with this definitely hasn’t tried it himself (I’m certain).