"Oldest RNA" Coupe Recognized by UN as "Common Ancestor of Humanity"; Paleozoic Driver's License Now Required

"Oldest RNA" Coupe Recognized by UN as "Common Ancestor of Humanity"; Paleozoic Driver's License Now Required

The oldest RNA discovered in a legendary coupe sparked an international dispute over ownership that reached an unexpected resolution. The UN has recognized the vehicle as the "Common Ancestor of Humanity" and designated it as a specially protected cultural heritage. A PhD in paleontology is now required for oil changes, and the first official statement translated from its engine sounds was "Fill it up with premium, please."

Translations: JA
Social Lab
Super-Insulated City Bans Chimneys, Certifies Wall-Stuck Santas as "Bio-Insulation" to Cut Rescue Costs

Super-Insulated City Bans Chimneys, Certifies Wall-Stuck Santas as "Bio-Insulation" to Cut Rescue Costs

In a model city touting ultimate energy efficiency where "chimneys" have been completely abolished, Santas attempting Christmas deliveries tried to squeeze through 10cm-diameter "high-efficiency ventilation ducts," resulting in dozens getting stuck inside walls. After weighing rescue costs against environmental performance, city authorities specially registered the stuck Santas as "high-performance filler" under building codes. Resident complaints about "groaning sounds from the walls" are being explained away as "a smart speaker bug that will be updated immediately."

Translations: JA
Social Lab
Government Introduces AI That Converts Meetings to Buzzwords Only — Contents Evaporate While Remaining State Secrets

Government Introduces AI That Converts Meetings to Buzzwords Only — Contents Evaporate While Remaining State Secrets

As a counter-espionage measure, the government has implemented a 'Buzzword Security Patch' that automatically replaces all statements with the latest trendy words and corporate jargon across all conference rooms. After implementation, chambers now echo only with phrases like 'That's some intense synergy' and 'Seriously agenda vibes,' with no one able to utter any specific nouns. The official in charge proudly declared, 'The protection of classified information is complete. After all, no one understands the content anyway.'

Translations: JA
Tech Future Lab
Railway Company Sues Accident Photos as 'Piracy': 'Derailment Was Premium Members-Only Performance Art'

Railway Company Sues Accident Photos as 'Piracy': 'Derailment Was Premium Members-Only Performance Art'

Great Imperial Capital Railway filed a lawsuit on the 22nd against three passersby who posted photos of a derailment accident on social media, charging them with 'digital shoplifting' and 'copyright infringement.' The company claims 'the angle at which the cars piled up was meticulously calculated modern art (kinetic sculpture)' and plans to retroactively charge witness fees and photography licensing fees. They argue that even the arrival of rescue teams was 'staged for an emotional finale,' and that unauthorized posts constituted spoilers that damaged future attendance opportunities.

Translations: JA
Money Maze
"God Not Responding": Shrine with Fully Digital Offerings Has Sacred Object Encrypted by Ransomware

"God Not Responding": Shrine with Fully Digital Offerings Has Sacred Object Encrypted by Ransomware

Offering thieves were eradicated, but hackers invaded instead. Tsukubamine Cyber Shrine has fallen into crisis after its main hall server was hijacked and the sacred object data was digitally "sealed." The head priest desperately claps his hands in prayer toward the ransom demand screen, while due to a firewall misconfiguration, the offering box keeps returning "404 Wish Not Found" to worshippers' wishes.

Translations: JA
Culture Kaleidoscope
Auteur Director Demands 'Reshoot' of Spaceship Crash Site, Furious That Debris 'Lacks Narrative Quality'

Auteur Director Demands 'Reshoot' of Spaceship Crash Site, Furious That Debris 'Lacks Narrative Quality'

A legendary film director, appointed by the government to chair the investigation into a spaceship crash, was seen wielding a megaphone at the site, shouting 'This wreckage isn't emotional enough!' It has been revealed that he prioritized 'visual appeal as an opening scene' over determining the cause, and instructed the investigation team to submit the accident report in screenplay format.

Translations: JA
Showbiz Pavilion
Hell Revises Subscription Pricing: "Eternal Hellfire" Plan Scaled Back Due to Demon Shortage. New "Weekend Only Hell" Plan Launched for Casual Sinners.

Hell Revises Subscription Pricing: "Eternal Hellfire" Plan Scaled Back Due to Demon Shortage. New "Weekend Only Hell" Plan Launched for Casual Sinners.

Due to a severe shortage of demons, Hell's flagship "Eternal Hellfire" plan will be changed to a time-limited "Intermittent Scorching" service. Concerned about customer churn, management has announced a new "Weekend Only Hell" plan for just 980 yen per month. The convenience of spending weekdays in the mortal world has proven popular, with applications flooding in.

Translations: JA
Otherworld Pocket
Finger Power Over Arm Power: New Olympic Event 'Phishing Site Speed Detection Contest' — First Champion is a 78-Year-Old Grandmother

Finger Power Over Arm Power: New Olympic Event 'Phishing Site Speed Detection Contest' — First Champion is a 78-Year-Old Grandmother

The new arena where barbells have been replaced with gaming mice. Athletes bearing national flags sweat profusely as they narrowly avoid clicking suspicious 'Buy Now' buttons. In the final stage, while other athletes struggle with the latest AI detection tools, the winning grandmother declared, magnifying glass in hand, 'Suspicious sites have cheap-looking fonts, you know.'

Translations: JA
Muscle Arena
Budget SIM 'Skip Breakfast, Get More Data' Plan Launches—Your Smart Fridge Is the Witness

Budget SIM 'Skip Breakfast, Get More Data' Plan Launches—Your Smart Fridge Is the Witness

As rising prices push more people to cut breakfast, a budget mobile carrier has unveiled its 'Skip Breakfast, Get More Data' plan. A smart fridge uses AI to monitor morning door activity, and detecting bread or milk instantly suspends the discount. The company proudly claims it's 'kind to both health and wallet,' while simultaneously releasing a separate 'Breakfast Subscription Option'—opening a new subscription hell between household budgets and stomachs.

Translations: JA
Money Maze