"Morning Despair" Recognized as Olympic Event; Japanese Athlete Wins Gold by Chanting "I Don't Want to Go"
In the newly established Olympic event "Monday Resistance," a Tokyo office worker set a new world record for the speed of returning to the fetal position after turning off the alarm. Judges praised his performance, noting that "the sheer exhaustion of even breathing is expressed down to the trembling of his fingertips." Furthermore, the athlete skipped the award ceremony claiming it was "too much hassle," earning a standing ovation from the entire arena for his uncompromising professionalism.