From Tranquil Tea Room to Thunderous Shouts: Three Squats for Etiquette, Protein Shake for Tea

Shocking theory emerges: Sen no Rikyu was a fitness enthusiast. The new school “Kindo” (The Way of Muscle) uses 20kg kettlebells instead of tea bowls. The new “wabi-sabi” involves chugging protein shakes with battle cries and instantly eliminating guilt from eating sweets through deadlifts.

A seismic shift is occurring in the world of tea ceremony, which values tranquility and spirituality. The new school “Kindo,” born in a corner of the ancient capital, is capturing the hearts of health-conscious modern people and expanding its influence nationwide. The foundation of this school is the recently discovered ancient manuscript “The Book of Muscular Wabi-Sabi.” It reportedly contains detailed accounts of the previously unknown “other face” of the tea master Sen no Rikyu.

According to the document, after meditation in the tea room, Rikyu secretly swung Western training equipment called “kettlebells” to simultaneously elevate his body and spirit. The head of the school, Kinryokusai Hidai (literally “Muscle Strength Master Hypertrophy”), passionately explains that the narrow space of the tea room is optimal for core training, and the spirit of “ichigo ichie” (one time, one meeting) connects to a training philosophy of putting full concentration into each rep.

The “Kindo” ceremony, or rather “Pump-Up Ceremony,” is full of surprises. First, instead of purifying hands and mouth at the washbasin, students perform “Three-Bow Squats” three times while carrying a barbell. Sitting in seiza has been abolished due to insufficient load on the hamstrings. In place of the tea bowl sits a 20kg kettlebell emitting a dull glow. The host scoops protein powder (vanilla flavor is considered proper) with a tea scoop and shakes it until perfectly blended. With a cry of “Osu!” everyone chugs the foaming beverage in one go.

A student (32) working at an IT company explains that this sequence is an answer to the dilemma faced by modern society: “Work stress wears down the spirit, business dinners make the body flabby. Kindo can simultaneously achieve mental peace (chill) and physical strengthening (build) - the ultimate time performance. If you do deadlifts right after eating sweets, both guilt and blood sugar levels are instantly reset.”

Of course, there are strong criticisms of this radical “cultural revolution.” Jakuzen-an Seishin, a senior member of the Japanese Traditional Culture Preservation Society, clouds his face: “This is blasphemy against culture, blasphemy against Rikyu. What should echo in the tea room is the sound of wind through pines, not the clang of dumbbells.” However, Hidai counters, “Master Rikyu must be pleased in the afterlife that his muscles are being re-evaluated. Wabi-sabi is originally about the ultimate functional beauty found after stripping away unnecessary fat.” The divide between the two sides runs deep.

On social media, hashtags like “#WabiSabiCollapse” and “#ProteinCeremony” are flying around, stirring up controversy. Some enthusiastic supporters have even started a petition campaign to propose “Kindo” as an additional event for the 2032 Olympics.

The time for quietly facing a cup of tea in silence is being replaced by groans of pushing past one’s limits and the sweet scent of protein. Whether this country’s traditional culture will reach new heights by lifting dumbbells, or simply end up with back pain - we can only watch with bated breath.

Stakeholder Comments

• Kinryokusai Hidai (Kindo Head): “‘Ichigo ichie’ means dedicating everything to one training session. I believe Master Rikyu thought the same.”
• Female student (28): “Using the tea room pillars for pull-ups is the latest trend. I feel the weight of history in my biceps.”
• Traditional culture researcher: “Displaying protein bottles in the alcove is absolutely outrageous. The hanging scroll is weeping.”
• Sports scientist: “The low center of gravity movements in tea ceremony can be applied to squat form. Very rational.”
• Sen no Rikyu (purported spirit): “That’s not what I meant by wabi-sabi… but well, they look like they’re having fun, so I’ll allow it.”
• Mr. Kettlebell (20kg): “I never thought I’d be reincarnated as a tea bowl. My soul trembles every time I’m lifted.”
• Mr. Protein Shaker: “When mixed with a bamboo whisk, the foam becomes creamy. A new discovery.”
• Japanese sweet (nerikiri): “Please consider my position - being immediately deadlifted after being eaten. Bad for digestion.”
• Tatami mat: “It’s usually quiet, but lately it’s all groans and sweat. I’m reaching my limit.”
• Hanging scroll ‘Mu’ (Nothingness): “Everything happening before me is starting to feel like ’nothingness.’”

International Expressions

Haiku

• In the tea room / Groans echo through / Summer afternoon
• Protein shake / Whisk with muscle power / In bamboo tool
• Wabi-sabi found / In the stripping away of / Body fat excess
• No crouch at basin / Three squats instead performed / Sweat glistening bright
• Rikyu weeps now / Watching disciples swing / Their kettlebells round
• After sweets consumed / Immediate deadlifts done / This is the new way
• Before the scroll hung / Strike a side chest pose now / Muscle definition
• Silence broken / By the sound of shakers loud / Echoing throughout
• Muscle soreness too / That is also fine they say / The heart of tea
• Better than seiza / Hamstrings rejoice at this / New ceremony

Kanji / Chinese Characters

千利休 筋鍛錬愛好家説 浮上 新流派 筋道 茶碗代 ケトルベル使用 掛声 共 プロテイン 飲干 和菓子 罪悪感 デッドリフト 即時解消

Emoji

🍵➡️💪🏋️‍♂️💥🧘‍♂️➡️🏋️‍♀️🍩➡️🏃‍♂️💨

Onomatopoeia

Gggggh…, Shake shake shake!, Gulp, glug glug… Hnnh!, Haah, haah… Thud!, Clang! Slowly~…, Creak creak…

SNS

• #StartedKindo
• Wabi-sabi pump-up!
• Cheat day sweets taste great #DeadliftsAreMandatory
• Mad respect for Rikyu-senpai
• Thinking of converting my tea room into a gym
• #ProteinCeremony
• Quiet time for dialogue with muscles (huge lie)
• Knees, this is no laughing matter
• #CulturalRevolution
• The truth behind the deep voices from the tea room