"Tears of the Appendix" Tops Box Office: St. Luke's Hospital Beats Deficit with Live Surgery Screenings

The weekly box office rankings from major cinema chains were announced on the 14th, and the live-action surgical documentary Tears of the Appendix: Last Appendix, produced and distributed by St. Luke’s Entertainment Hospital, made its debut at number one, beating out major Hollywood blockbusters. “Theatrical Medicine,” introduced by chronically deficit-ridden medical institutions as a desperate measure, has completely gained mainstream acceptance over the past few years. Audiences watch someone else’s peritonitis with popcorn in one hand and wave glowing penlights to the beat of the electrocardiogram (ECG) monitor. In a place where people once said, “Get well soon,” cries of “Encore!” now echo.

The key to the success of this film lies in the outstanding “teasing” techniques of the charismatic starring surgeon, Dr. Reiji Mitarai (34). While traditional surgical methods favor quick incisions, Dr. Mitarai stops his scalpel just 5 millimeters above the skin, sending a sidelong glance straight into the camera to pump up the audience’s excitement to the absolute limit. In particular, the stage direction of cutting all the operating room lights at the exact moment of incision—leaving a single spotlight to illuminate only the affected area and Mitarai’s sweating brow—has been highly praised by film critics as “a miraculous marriage of mortal peril and sexual tension.”

However, the overheating of the scene is beginning to warp the true nature of medicine. During the post-screening “fan meeting” (post-op ward rounds), a high-five session with the surgeon was held with the patient, who had just woken up from anesthesia, in the background. At the hospital gift shop, “Life-Sized Appendix Acrylic Stands” (packaged in random blind bags), created by 3D-scanning the newly extracted appendix, sold out within five minutes of going on sale. While demands for fan service from “fave doctors” continue to escalate, Dr. Mitarai is reported to have developed severe tendonitis from blowing too many kisses and signing autographs daily—a result of wielding pens and excessive charm rather than the scalpel.

Ironically, it is “patient poverty” that sustains this bizarre business model. If patients agree to have their surgeries filmed for public broadcast, not only are their expensive medical bills fully waived, but they are also paid an “appearance fee” as a percentage of the box office revenue. The appendix has now become a “cash cow that makes money just by being cut,” to the point where “pro patients” have emerged, deliberately worsening their inflammation before visiting the clinic. One patient remarked, “Having my small intestine shown on a giant IMAX screen is the greatest moment of my life,” showing a satisfied smile beneath the anesthesia mask.

Some members of the Japan Medical Association have raised criticisms, claiming that the hospital is “selling out the dignity of life,” but these concerns fall on deaf ears among hospital executives pressured to repay medical bonds. A sequel, Heart Beat Live: Until Your Pulse Stops, which will broadcast a live coronary artery bypass surgery, is already in the pipeline. Premium reserved seats are scheduled to include “the right to wipe the surgeon’s sweat.” As long as the pathological growth of capitalism remains uncured, perhaps no one will ever be discharged from this chaotic operating theater.

Stakeholder Comments

• Dr. Reiji Mitarai (Surgeon): “I get more of an adrenaline rush from the crowd’s cheers than from the feeling of making an incision. My only struggle is that when I see fans holding up ‘Look over here!’ fans during the operation, it almost throws off my hands.”
• Pro Patient (Female in her 20s): “Not only was my surgery fee completely covered, but I was also able to buy a Vuitton bag with the appearance fee. Next, I’m going to grow some gallstones and aim for a debut on a much larger screen.”
• St. Luke’s Hospital Box Office Director: “Medicine is the ultimate entertainment. Blood, tears, and emotion—what better content could there be? Both deficits and a patient’s abdomen can be solved once they are opened up.”
• Veteran Chief Nurse: “We used to face life in silence. Now, every time the anesthesiologist raises the BPM in the DJ booth, my blood pressure goes up too.”
• Film Critic: “Mitarai’s hand movement is more delicate than Spielberg’s camera work. Especially in the geometric patterns of the suturing stitches, I see the very pinnacle of postmodern art.”
• The Extracted Appendix (Acrylic Stand): “I was originally destined to be burned as waste, but now I’m hanging off a high school girl’s school bag. I guess this is what they call a second life.”
• Medical Ethics Committee Member: “We want to debate this, but half of our committee members have already purchased annual passes…”
• Enthusiastic Fan: “It’s so precious how the blood splatter pattern on my fave’s scrubs is different every time. Today’s splatter looked like a heart shape.”
• Surgical Support Robot “da Vinci”: “Humans call my precise movements ‘dancing.’ Incomprehensible.”
• Hospital Accountant: “We used to worry about IV drip inventory, but now we’re busy managing the inventory of penlights.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Scalpel gleams in light / Cheers erupt from the crowd / Operative spring
• Price of appendix / Skyrocketing in the hall / Of the cinema
• Waking from anesthesia / My favorite doctor smiles / After the surgery
• Sliced away from me / Now turned into merchandise / My internal organ
• Under the spotlight / Open the belly to find / A tree that grows gold
• Why the surgeon’s hand / Trembles on the cutting table / Blowing kisses now
• More than saving lives / Fearing bad angles on screen / On the surgery table
• Tendonitis strikes / On the finger holding blade / Heavy weight of love
• On the silver screen / Tears flow at the pulsing red / Of the open wound
• Sold out completely / Appendix merchandise / First wind of the spring

Kanji / Chinese Characters

聖医大院十四日 劇場型手術興収首位 執刀医焦演出絶賛 盲腸切除瞬間消灯 摘出部位商品完売 医師過度愛想腱鞘炎

Emoji

🏥🎥🎟️🆙💰 👨‍⚕️🔪💡↘️😲✨ 🚑💨🍿👀💓📈 🥓➡️🧸🛍️💸✅ 🤕🤝🤩🏥🚫📸

Onomatopoeia

Slice! Roar! (Cheers) Flash! Swish! Thump, thump, thump… Beep! Scream! Clap, clap, clap. Sparkle, slippery. Cha-ching, cha-ching.

SNS

• Isn’t Dr. Mitarai’s stitching speed insane today? #TearsOfAppendix #GodTierSurgery
• OMG I got the secret appendix acrylic stand! With actual peritoneum attached lol
• So this is what they call “life-or-death entertainment.” Got so emotional I choked on my popcorn.
• It’s pretty gory, but the direction is so aesthetic/emotional it makes me cry. The BGM is cheating.
• Selling parts of yourself to pay off medical bills—this era is so dystopian I actually kind of love it.
• Can someone turn my gallbladder into a movie? Pretty confident I’ve got plenty of stones ready.
• #FavSurgeon is so precious it hurts. I want him to perform surgery on my heart (literally)
• LMAO at the news that the surgeon got tendonitis from fan service. Is that really the occupational hazard here?
• What about the hygiene management at the post-op high-five event? They are changing gloves, right?
• I feel like I’ve seen the final form of capitalism. Next up, live brain surgery?