"It's an Insult to Melt": Wagyu Union Enraged, Sues Food Reporter for "Violation of Mastication Rights"

“We are proud masses of muscle fiber, not ice cream.” The statement released by the All Japan Premium Wagyu Producers Union (Zen-Niku-Gumi) was a declaration of war that shook the history of gourmet programming. On the 9th, the union filed a lawsuit in the Tokyo District Court against popular gourmet celebrity Ken Mitarai for defamation and “violation of mastication rights,” claiming he “damaged the dignity of cattle with expressions significantly different from fact and disregarded the life activity of chewing.”

The incident began with a scene from a lunchtime information program broadcast last month. As Mitarai placed a piece of A5-rank special sirloin steak into his mouth, he shouted with an ecstatic expression, “Wow! I’m not even chewing, but it’s melting in my mouth! It’s gone!” The union was enraged by this comment, stating, “While the melting point of fat is about 25 degrees Celsius, it is physically impossible for lean protein to liquefy at oral temperature.” They took legal action, asserting, “It instills the false perception in consumers that ‘you don’t have to chew,’ and even poses a public health risk by leading to weakened jaw muscles.”

The unprecedented “public verification experiment” conducted under court supervision was surreal in the extreme. Prepared in the courtroom were a hot plate and top-grade Matsusaka beef. Mitarai was required at the witness stand to take a piece of freshly grilled meat into his mouth and demonstrate whether it “melts without chewing” as he had claimed. In the silent courtroom, Mitarai continued to look up at the ceiling with his mouth half-open for three minutes, but the meat remained resolutely solid. Finally, as the saliva-covered mass of meat began to block his airway, and Mitarai begged with rolled-back eyes, “I’m sorry, please let me chew!” the presiding judge declared the end of the experiment.

The settlement conditions were harsh and precise. Mitarai and his talent agency were prohibited from using the expression “melts” in all future media appearances. Instead, he is now obligated to provide physically and anatomically accurate commentary, such as: “After undergoing the crushing process by the first molars, the lipids melted and the muscle fibers loosened.” The agreement also included a donation of the cost of formula feed for one cow for every past “melts” comment made.

This ruling is causing panic throughout the food reporting industry. Voices from the confectionery industry are expressing concern over legal risks for the expression “pudding is a drink,” and the spicy food community is trembling with fear that the expression “fire comes out of my mouth” might violate the Fire Service Act. One veteran reporter said with a faraway look, “From now on, even metaphors like ‘just like light snow’ might require verification against Meteorological Agency data.”

The “melting meat” fantasy born of verbal inflation was judged on the real-world cutting board of the courtroom. It can be said that this controversy has highlighted how much we usually devour sensory lies. Meanwhile, the defeated Mitarai is currently showing his sincerity toward mastication by conducting a livestream on his YouTube channel where he “continues to chew dried squid for one hour.”

Stakeholder Comments

• Ken Mitarai: “The meat didn’t melt. It just got warm. From now on, I will never forget my gratitude to my molars.”
• Chairman Ushiyama of Zen-Niku-Gumi: “Treating the muscles that cattle spent their lives creating as ’liquid’ is out of the question. They want to be chewed thoroughly.”
• Matsusaka Beef (Individual ID JP-2929): “Moo (Translation: We’re not ice cream. Chew us well and go to the other side of flavor).”
• Physics Professor: “One must not confuse the denaturation temperature of protein with melting. In the first place, if meat melted in your mouth, your tongue would probably melt along with it.”
• Young Gourmet Writer: “If ‘melting’ is no good, what about ‘disappearing’? What, a violation of the law of conservation of mass? Then how am I supposed to say it!”
• Dental Association Representative: “This ruling contributes to an increase in the number of mastications by the public. Developing the jaw is the source of health.”
• Viewer A: “Honestly, when someone says it ‘melts,’ it sounds delicious, but I’ve always thought it was a lie.”
• Variety Show Producer: “We are rushing to prepare a disclaimer: ‘*This is an individual’s impression and not a physical phenomenon.’”
• Ice Cream Industry Official: “Melting is our trademark. Meat was about to steal that position, so I’m honestly relieved.”
• Butcher Shop Owner: “If I sold meat that melted, I’d get complaints. They’d say, ‘There’s no product!’”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Frosty marbling The melting is an illusion Upon the tongue’s surface
• Chew it thoroughly The weight of a life’s struggle In each muscle fiber
• In the courtroom hall The meat refused to dissolve Only sweat poured down
• At the lying report The anger of the cattle Sharpens their horns now
• If it truly melts Put it in a paper cup And drink it all down
• Sound of mastication Echoes through the courtroom air Winter afternoon
• Ignoring physics The bill has finally come Due right here and now
• Use your jaw muscles Meat is not a beverage Remember that well
• Food reporter’s words Vocabulary put to test By the spring breezes
• The lies melt away Only the truth now remains Left upon the plate

Kanji / Chinese Characters

Wagyu Union Rage Pseudo-Melting Expression Lawsuit Courtroom Public Verification Experiment Meat Mass Eternal Chewing Essential Physical Accuracy Mandatory

Emoji

🥩👄🚫🫠 ➡️ 🦷💥🔨 ➡️ 🤤👌 ⚖️👨‍⚖️📝

Onomatopoeia

Gash, gash. (Crunch, crunch.) Juwah… (Doesn’t melt.) Mogu-mogu, gokkun. (Chew-chew, swallow.) Silent… Gag. Kachi-kachi (Judge’s pen clicking). Moo! Puni-puni. (Squishy.) Gulp. Murmur…

SNS

• #FoodReportTrial
• #MeatDoesNotMelt
• #PhysicalFoodReporting
• Ken Mitarai, public execution in court LOL
• “Saliva mixing after moderate elasticity” doesn’t sound appetizing at all!
• Trembling at how hardcore the Wagyu Union is
• My salary melts away instantly, but the meat doesn’t—what an absurdity
• Is “mastication rights” a new human right?
• I’m going to laugh every time I see a food report from now on
• Seeing the celebrity almost choke, I vowed to chew my food well