Spacesuits Replaced by Mandatory '800 Layers of Thermal Underwear' — Compression Allows Astronauts to Generate Diamonds

Private space development company Galaxy Sweat Co. (headquartered in Minato Ward, Tokyo) announced on the 26th its decision to completely phase out conventional Extravehicular Mobility Units (EMUs) as part of its corporate restructuring plan.

To be introduced in its place is a new system where astronauts layer 800 sheets of commercially available “ultra-warm thermal underwear” (priced at 1,980 yen each), colloquially known as “Layered Inferno.”

At a press conference, the company’s CEO, Konjo “Guts” Stark, explained, “If one layer is warm, wearing 800 layers means it shouldn’t be cold even near the Sun. The cost is 1/5000th of a conventional spacesuit. The saved budget will be allocated to executive compensation and the installation of protein powder dispensers.”

This system is a hybrid design of physics and spiritual grit, utilizing the frictional heat of synthetic fibers and sheer mass to block cosmic rays. An astronaut wearing 800 layers reaches a diameter of approximately 2.5 meters, with the total weight of the fabric alone exceeding 300 kg. The compression resulting from this extraordinary thickness is immense, placing a pressure equivalent to water pressure at a depth of 10,000 meters onto the wearer’s body surface. Consequently, every single breath to expand the lungs consumes calories equivalent to lifting a 200 kg bench press.

According to Dr. Sanada Muscle, the head of development, this “constant pressurized state” yielded an unexpected byproduct. “We have confirmed that sebum and waste products on the skin’s surface are compressed by the ultra-high heat generated from the friction and compression of the 800 layers, producing micro-sized industrial diamonds,” Dr. Sanada said. “We have named this ‘Sweat Gem’ and will distribute it as a post-return bonus. Though, most astronauts end up cashing it in to pay for their herniated disc surgeries.” During extravehicular activities, astronauts have to turn wrenches while enduring the excruciating pain of their own sweat and grease turning into gemstones.

From the perspective of working conditions, voices of concern have also been raised. First of all, putting on 800 layers requires preparation starting three months prior to launch, a period treated as unpaid overtime without any “dressing allowance.” Furthermore, once dressed, it is impossible to undress on one’s own, and going to the bathroom is out of the question. The company claims that “the ‘Human Humidifier function,’ which forces moisture out of the body through compression and evaporates it instantly, eliminates the need for excretion itself,” though the medical evidence remains unclear. Astronauts who actually wore the test suit reported, “It felt like my body was being squeezed in a vise,” and “The River Styx looked warm and inviting.”

Even so, the stream of applicants wishing to join the company never ends. The reason lies in the bodies of the astronauts who return from space. Those who survive and endure the “Layered Inferno” for a six-month mission transform, without exception, into muscular bodies with steel-like density. One returnee reportedly felt Earth’s gravity as light as a feather, causing them to accidentally crash their head into the ceiling when they jumped on their first day of rehabilitation. Now that space exploration is shifting from a “quest for the stars” to a “quest for muscle,” humanity seems to be stepping into a new evolutionary cul-de-sac.

Stakeholder Comments

• CEO Konjo Stark: “One billion for a spacesuit? Muscle is priceless. If you have a complaint, run naked all the way to the atmosphere.”
• Dr. Sanada, Head of Development: “When you slip your arm through the 800th sleeve, you are no longer wearing the clothes—the clothes are consuming you.”
• Veteran Astronaut A: “The true hell during extravehicular activity is when your back starts itching. To scratch it, you have to breach a wall of 800 layers.”
• Rookie Astronaut Candidate: “When they asked me in the interview, ‘How many layers of clothes can you wear?’ I thought they were an apparel company.”
• Major Apparel Store Manager: “All the local stock was bought out. The receipt was as long as a space elevator.”
• Industrial Physician: “From a medical standpoint, they are not so much living as they are ‘preserved’.”
• Jeweler: “Sweat Gems, you say? Regardless of their composition, I sense a brilliance akin to the raw resentment of workers.”
• Labor Standards Inspector: “Outer space is out of our jurisdiction, but we will issue strict administrative guidance regarding the three-month ‘dressing period’ before departure.”
• Physicist: “I cannot comprehend why the formula for thermal insulation includes ‘guts’ as a variable.”
• Layered Innerwear: “I never imagined I’d be forming a rugby scrum with 800 of my brethren. It’s hot.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• In deep space, a bloated snowman grabs the stars
• Eight hundred layers, compressing sweat into shining gems
• Even breathing becomes training in the sea of darkness
• No budget left, armor made of layered fabrics
• Returning home, shedding the garment like a butterfly
• Wearing the hell of ultra-warmth, swimming in space
• Cheap innerwear layers surpassing one billion yen
• Under the squeeze, listening to the sound of life in the dead of night
• Blacker than the exploitative star, the layered clothes they wear
• Generating diamonds, astronauts inside a pressure cooker

Kanji / Chinese Characters

八百重黒衣宇宙行 予算削減筋肉増 深海級圧呼吸難 皮脂圧縮金剛石 帰還即最強肉体

Emoji

🚀👕👕✖️800💪🥵🌌💎🏥🛌🏋️‍♂️

Onomatopoeia

Creak-creak-creak… (Sound of 800 layers of fabric creaking under tension) Wheeze-huff, wheeze-huff (Breathing sounds under the 200kg bench press load) Grate, ting! (Sound of joints and diamond formation) Toasty… sizzling… poof! (The fine boundary between heat generation and catching fire) Slide-drag… (Sound of the 3-month dressing process) Bulge-bulge! (Sound of muscles expanding after return)

SNS

• #LayeredInferno
• Theory: 800 layers of Heattech are stronger than a spacesuit
• #BlackCompanySpaceDivision
• My husband returned from space so jacked he can’t fit through the front door
• Now recruiting for space tours where you get muscle soreness just from breathing
• #SweatGem
• The compression is so tight you have no choice but to counter it with muscle hypertrophy before your circulation stops
• A genius or a demon of cost reduction?
• A suit you can’t take off by yourself is basically just skin at that point
• #SDGs (Super Deadly Gym Space)