Protein Thief Identified by DNA Test as 'Himself.' Fear of Muscle Breakdown Drove Unconscious Late-Night Shakes

“Someone is stealing my whey.” The anguished cry rang out at a large fitness gym in central Tokyo late last month. After a string of complaints that expensive protein powder was disappearing — exactly two scoops every morning — the gym’s management company ordered a DNA analysis of the victims’ shakers on the 8th as part of its security countermeasures. But when the results sheet revealed the identity of the “culprit,” even the most hardened musclemen were left speechless.

The DNA detected was, with 100% certainty, the victims’ own saliva. One of the bewildered victims, a 32-year-old personal trainer, installed a night-vision camera in his kitchen. What the footage captured was himself — eyes rolled back, stumbling into the kitchen at 2 a.m., dissolving protein into water with a flawless flick of the wrist, and downing the entire shake in one go.

A joint team of sports medicine and neuroscience specialists has dubbed this bizarre phenomenon “Sleepwalking Muscle Syndrome.” “During sleep, nutrient intake is cut off, causing muscles to enter a state of breakdown known as ‘catabolism.’ The fear of this is so extreme that even when the cerebral cortex has completely shut down, the biceps and pectorals act on sheer survival instinct to hijack the body and seek out nutrition,” explained Professor Gondahara of the National Fitness Research Institute with characteristic composure.

In other words, the men were asleep — but their muscles never slept a wink. This medical breakthrough spread like wildfire through fitness circles on social media. “My pecs are smarter than I am,” wrote one user. “I’m moved to tears by the devotion of muscles that would seize control of their owner’s consciousness just to get protein,” wrote another. In some quarters, outright admiration for one’s own muscles erupted.

However, the financial toll is severe. A flood of gym-goers reported that their monthly protein expenses had ballooned to 1.5 times the usual amount due to unconscious late-night consumption. To protect their powder from this “muscular rampage,” a fortified fingerprint-authenticated protein vault called the “Catabolock” was rushed to market and sold out its entire initial run of 30,000 units on day one.

But the power struggle between brain and brawn is far from over. A new report emerged yesterday: “The first night after I bought the vault, my right arm grabbed my left hand in my sleep and forced my finger onto the scanner to unlock it.” Now that muscles have learned physical hacking, the day when humanity is granted a peaceful night’s sleep by its own body still seems a long way off.

Stakeholder Comments

• Muscular man (victim and perpetrator): “The idea that my muscles are taking in nutrients without my permission is both a point of pride and utterly terrifying. It does explain that pump I feel every morning, though.”
• Professor Gondahara (sports medicine): “Even when the cerebral cortex abandons its post, muscles never give up. This is, in a sense, a coup d’état.”
• Vault manufacturer CEO: “The ‘Catabolock’ boasts bank-vault-level security, but when the owner’s own finger is used against them, there’s no defense. We’re considering retinal authentication next.”
• Live-in girlfriend: “Every night I hear this perfect rhythmic ‘shk-shk-shk’ sound, and I feel like I’m at a nightclub.”
• Biceps: “When the boss is asleep, who’s supposed to look after us? We just went on a life-or-death amino acid resupply mission, that’s all.”
• Protein powder: “I’m happy to be consumed by anyone, but I never expected to be dissolved so flawlessly — not a single clump — by someone with their eyes closed.”
• Fingerprint scanner: “Put yourself in my position — having a sweaty finger jammed onto me in the middle of the night. I tried to throw an authentication error, but it felt like I’d be smashed to pieces.”
• Gym janitor: “I’d been noticing the shakers in the trash were getting sloppily washed lately. Turns out they were being washed by someone half-asleep.”
• Police officer: “We were dispatched for a theft investigation, but it was the first time I’ve ever had someone write their own name in the ‘suspect’ field of a criminal complaint.”
• Cerebral cortex: “Just let me rest.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Spring night — eyes rolled back, shaking the shaker still
• Muscles never sleep through the protein-laden night
• Who steals my powder? It is I — the chill of blossoms
• Hazy moonlit night — muscles move on their own accord
• The thief revealed: my very arm, in springtime light
• Blossom glow — a lump-free shake slides down the throat
• Spring slumber broken by the raging biceps’ might
• Auto-lock bypassed — fingerprint in a spring dream
• Even fast asleep, only muscles stay awake
• Fear of catabolism — midnight water down the hatch

Kanji / Chinese Characters

夜毎粉減怒筋骨男相談。 防犯鑑定結果己唾液検出。 恐筋肉分解深夜無意識摂取。 夢遊筋肉症候群命名。 指紋認証金庫爆売大脳敗北。

Emoji

💪😴🌙🥄🥛🏃‍♂️💦🧬🤯🔒

Onomatopoeia

Zzz… Jolt. Shuffle, shuffle, rustle. Shk-shk-shk! Glug glug, ahhh. Thud. Zzz…

SNS

• The #ProteinThief was me all along
• We live in an era where muscles drink powder on their own
• My biceps are probably smarter than I am.
• #SleepwalkingMuscleSyndrome
• My fingerprint vault got breached lmaooo
• Muscle survival instinct is insane
• A man hacked by his own arm
• Is this even a #GymLife thing?
• Brain: “I’m sleeping.” Muscles: “Hand over the amino acids.”
• The tragic end of catabolic paranoia