EU Adds 'VO2 Max' to Tourist Visa Requirements: Mandatory Speed Walking for All Movement

On the 21st, the European Union (EU) passed the “European Aerobic Cultural Tourism (EACT),” a new regulation that fundamentally overturns tourism policy within the region. While the ostensible purpose is “improving visitor health” and “reducing medical costs,” the reality is an elitist entry restriction based on physical ability—an attempt to solve overtourism through physical “culling.” At Charles de Gaulle Airport on the first day of implementation, all immigration booths had been replaced with state-of-the-art treadmills.

According to the new rules, applicants for EU tourist visas are now required to measure their maximal oxygen uptake (VO2 Max) upon entry. Men falling below 50 ml/kg/min and women below 40 ml/kg/min are either deported immediately as “unfit for entry” or forced to choose to perform burpees in the airport basement’s “remedial gym” until they reach the standard. Officers greeted travelers with a smile, saying, “Welcome to France. Please speed up to 15 km/h before showing your passport,” while ruthlessly stamping the visas of those whose heart rates failed to reach the specified zone with the word “SLOTH.”

Regulations in city centers are even more draconian. In major tourist cities like Paris and Rome, “complete stillness” in public places has been banned by ordinance. Tourists must maintain constant speed walking (at least 6 km/h) while moving, and stopping to check a map is immediately fined as “obstruction of traffic and abandonment of calorie consumption.” At the Louvre, a high-speed conveyor belt now flows in front of the Mona Lisa; unless visitors make the effort to run backward to stay in place, they can only catch a fleeting glimpse of the masterpiece.

Cafe culture in Paris has also transformed. Elegant wicker chairs have been removed from terrace seating, replaced by balance balls or power-generating tables with pedals. “Payment for an order isn’t completed until the calories from one croissant are offset,” said a cafe waiter on the Champs-Élysées, while continuing to perform side-steps himself. Stepping is mandatory even while drinking coffee; if sabotage is detected, AI surveillance drones launch low-frequency therapy pads at the customer’s thighs. The city is constantly enveloped in the “thud-thud” of footsteps, the hum of drones, and the groans of tourists.

Initially, protests flooded in from human rights organizations against this policy, which some have called “Health Fascism.” However, the EU countered, “We guarantee the freedom of movement. However, that movement is limited to aerobic exercise.” Surprisingly, within one week of implementation, traffic jams in Paris vanished, and the average length of stay for tourists was drastically shortened. Meanwhile, returning travelers have acquired bodies as toned as different people, and ironically, the reputation that “going to Europe makes you healthy” has begun to attract masochistic fitness enthusiasts.

However, the true horror awaits at departure. When leaving the EU, immigration officers strictly inspect the hardness of travelers’ quadriceps and blood lactate levels. If no signs of muscle soreness are found, it is considered that the traveler “did not exercise sufficiently during tourism,” leading to suspicion of being a “spy planning subversive activities while in hiding,” and future entry is permanently denied. Only those who can say “it was painful” rather than “it was fun” are recognized as good citizens. Elegant European travel is dead. From now on, the triathlon for survival begins.

Stakeholder Comments

• Jean-Pierre Muscle (Director, EU Health Promotion Bureau) “We are not abusing tourists. We are purifying their sins known as fat. The Eiffel Tower elevator? We removed it last week and turned it into a climbing wall.”
• Japanese Tourist (Male in his 40s) “I was ordered to do 500 squats just to see the Palace of Versailles. By the time I reached the gardens, my knees were shaking so much I started seeing hallucinations of Marie Antoinette.”
• Parisian Cobblestones “I have heard the footsteps of lovers for centuries, but now I feel like I’m being pulverized by the impact of speed-walking mobs. The grip strength of their shoes is insane.”
• Manager of Cafe ‘Les Deux Magots’ “Turnover is fantastic. Customers chug their protein shakes and run to the next checkpoint. The only downside is they leave sweat instead of tips.”
• Illegal Entry Broker “The best-selling item these days isn’t fake passports. It’s ‘muscle suits.’ You can fake your VO2 Max just by wearing one, but if you’re caught, you’ll be forced to butterfly across the Seine.”
• Italian Gelato Maker “Lick it before it melts, and then run. There’s no time to stop and take photos. Calories are the enemy, but my pistachio flavor is diabolically delicious, isn’t it?”
• AI Surveillance Drone ‘Cardio Cop’ “Target acquired. Heart rate drop confirmed. Initiating electric shock to the subject’s glutes. Nice moves!”
• Orthopedic Surgeon “Meniscus injuries among tourists are skyrocketing; the hospital is a battlefield. You could say the EU economy is now sustained by the export of pain relief patches rather than tourism revenue.”
• Luc Besson-esque Film Director “Beautiful. Paris, where everyone is running as if being chased. This is the realistic action movie set I’ve always wanted to film.”
• Local Stray Cat “Humans have suddenly become so busy. I’m honestly lonely now that there are no fat tourists to let me nap on their laps, meow.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Spraying sweat / Passing the Mona Lisa / On the conveyor
• Espresso / Even while drinking / Kneecaps bouncing
• Arc de Triomphe / Travelers passing through / Out of breath
• Cobblestones / To the sound of speed walking / Spring trembles
• For entry / Lung capacity / Now questioned
• Biting a baguette / While running / The tourist trail
• Muscle pain / That is the proof / Of your souvenir
• Swimming the Seine / To cross over / Visa renewed
• Of elegance / Not a single fragment / City of Flowers
• Journey’s end / The body turned / Into steel

Kanji / Chinese Characters

European Union Territory (欧州連合全土) Tourist Mandatory Exercise (観光客強制運動) High-Speed Stepping in Museums (美術館内高速足踏) Air Squatting in Coffee Shops (珈琲店空気椅子) Immigration Lung Capacity Test (入国審査肺活量) No Muscle Pain Immediate Deportation (筋肉痛無即追放)

Emoji

👮‍♂️🇪🇺🛑🪪➡️🏃‍♂️💨🗺️✖️ ☕️🪑🚫➡️🏋️‍♂️💦🥐 🖼️👀➡️🎢🦵⚡️ 🛫🏠🥴💪🦵💥

Onomatopoeia

Thump-thump, slap-slap (The sound of speed walking echoing through the city) Whirrr, zap! (The sound of surveillance drones attacking slacking customers) Wheeze-wheeze, gasp-gasp (The sound of breathing at the immigration area) Gulp, dash-dash-dash (The sound of drinking water and immediately running off) Quiver-quiver, shake-shake (The sound of muscles of customers doing air squats at cafes) Beep-beep-beep “Heart rate low! Warning!”

SNS

• In Paris now. Dash up the Eiffel Tower stairs, 3 sets left on my quota to finally reach the observation deck… I’m gonna die lol #AerobicTourism #Paris
• Sent to a separate room because my VO2 Max was too low at immigration. Didn’t expect to be forced into HIIT at the airport 😭
• Someone next to me at a cafe slacked on their squats and got shot by a drone. A tragedy of flying croissants.
• This year’s European trip is practically a triathlon training camp. When I get home, I’m quitting my job and opening a gym.
• [Bad News] Roman Holiday: was eating gelato at the Spanish Steps and got a 100 Euro fine for ‘violation of step exercise regulations.’
• Is it true that you’re treated as a spy if you don’t have muscle pain? I applied tons of patches and recovered, but then I got denied entry.
• Looking at the Louvre’s ‘Mona Lisa’ while running, she somehow looked like she was laughing. Is she mocking me?
• Every tourist has an athlete’s physique, lol. The EU is a land of carnage where the out-of-shape aren’t even allowed entry.
• Search #CardioTourism and you’ll see scenes from hell lol. Everyone’s eyes are dead lol.
• I thought I’d never go again, but my health check results after returning were so good it’s frustrating. Maybe I’ll go again… (Brainwashed)