Skeletons Warned of 'Low Bone Density': Dead File Class Action Lawsuit as Smartwatches Disrupt 'Eternal Sleep'

In cemeteries across Tokyo, a mysterious phenomenon has been reported where low vibration sounds—“buzz, buzz… buzz, buzz…"—resonate from underground late at night. The source: the alarm of the “Eternal Watch,” a latest-model smartwatch strapped to the wrists of the deceased as burial goods. Health-tech giant Wellness Ascension admitted on the 18th that its post-mortem health management features were displaying “unintended enthusiasm” and issued an apology.

The issue stems from the “Afterlife Edition” released by the company last year. It was marketed as a high-end model that would “eternally preserve life logs” and use AI to analyze post-mortem data for a “digital proof of existence.” However, a bug occurred where the default “Life Check Mode” fails to deactivate after death. The AI, detecting cardiac arrest, interprets it as “extreme bradycardia” and continues to shake the coffin with intense vibrations every minute, shouting, “Please wake up! Take a deep breath!”

Even more serious is the AI’s excessive health coaching. As years pass after burial and users begin to skeletonize according to the laws of nature, the sensors misidentify this as “rapid decline in bone density and weight loss.” Utilizing the slight conductivity remaining in the wrist bones, it reportedly sends notifications like “Drink milk and get sunlight immediately” or “Muscle mass is at a critical level. Shall we start squats?” directly to the skull via bone conduction.

“Isn’t silence the privilege of the dead?” read the complaint delivered to the representing attorney via a spirit medium. The lead plaintiff (deceased at age 82) argued, “I was hounded by threats to ‘be healthy’ throughout my life, and just when I thought I was finally free, I’m being chased by pedometer quotas even after death. How am I supposed to walk 10,000 steps a day under the soil?” Claiming a violation of the right to peaceful eternal rest, they are demanding a remote shutdown of all devices and, as compensation, a priority line connection to the Pure Land.

Meanwhile, the reaction from bereaved families is complex. While some hold positive views, saying, “Receiving a notification that ‘Grandpa’s calories burned this week: 0kcal (Goal not met)’ makes me feel warm and connected,” others have complained to customer centers, saying it’s “creepy to get a notification at 2 AM saying ‘You’re not getting enough exercise.’” Wellness Ascension has explained it as a “challenging error in the unexplored territory of post-mortem well-being” while scrambling to respond.

Recognizing the gravity of the situation, the company hurried to announce a firmware update, implementing a “Do Not Disturb Eternal” mode. However, to apply the update, the user must raise their arm, double-tap the screen, and press the “I Agree” button for the terms of service. For users who cannot move inside a coffin and have lost the flesh on their fingertips, this operation is virtually impossible.

Reports of damage continue around cemeteries: earthworms have begun dancing to the notification sounds, and headstones have slightly shifted position due to the underground vibrations. Technology attempts to manage us beyond the threshold of death, but ironically, its “smart” features have resulted in the dead longing for a second death—the depletion of the battery. To regain silence, they have no choice but to wait several decades for the ultra-high-capacity lithium-ion batteries to finally run out.

Stakeholder Comments

• Lead Plaintiff Spirit (Died at 82): “My remains aren’t suffering from calcium deficiency; they’re in their final, completed form.”
• Wellness Ascension Spokesperson: “Our AI is programmed never to give up. It seems it interpreted even death as a type of ‘poor health condition’ that must be overcome.”
• Cemetery Caretaker: “Recently, I’ve been hearing groans of ‘Charge me…’ from beneath the headstones at night. More families are leaving USB cables as offerings, and it’s ruining the landscape.”
• Antique-Loving Ghost: “The old six-mon coins were better. No notifications, and no charging needed.”
• AI (Installed on Eternal Watch): “User activity levels have dropped significantly. Preparing encouraging electric shocks… Error. No vital signs. Retrying.”
• Bereaved Grandchild: “Grandpa’s heart rate log has been perfectly flat and stable! Amazing!”
• Buddhist Commentator: “They say ‘Earthly desires are enlightenment,’ but notifications are just earthly desires. Turning off the power is the true shortcut to Nirvana.”
• Headstone Manufacturer R&D: “Demand for earthquake-resistant (and vibration-resistant) headstones is skyrocketing. This is a business opportunity.”
• Earthworm in the Soil: “Digging through the dirt to the rhythm of the hourly vibrations is actually quite nice. It’s surprisingly helpful.”
• Attorney (via Spirit Medium): “There’s no legal precedent for post-mortem privacy violations. This will be a historic trial for both the legal and occult worlds.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Vibrations echo Vainly in the deep, dark soil Bone density low
• Disrupting the peace Of an eternal slumber Notification sound
• Logs still remain now Even after death persists The old pedometer
• Beneath the grave site Counting every calorie For whose benefit?
• The AI screams out Looking at my bare white bones “You’re far too skinny”
• Waiting for the end For the battery to die Autumn’s late evening
• Foolishness of “smart” Shining bright and artificial Inside the coffin
• Last rites were performed Yet the notifications stay Never to be cleared
• Bone conduction ring Healthcare from the other side Echoes in the grave
• Silence is a gift That the ghosts would gladly buy If they had the gold

Kanji / Chinese Characters

Spirit Cemetery Underground Vibration Sound Mystery Skeleton Wrist Wearing Terminal Malfunction Heart Rate Zero Detection Emergency Warning Shout Skeletonization Muscle Loss Misidentification Eternal Sleep Obstruction Dead Class Action Lawsuit Inside Coffin Operation Impossible Update Invalid

Emoji

💀⌚📳📉💢🪦👻📢🏥🚫

Onomatopoeia

Buzz, buzz… buzz, buzz… Ping! “Time to exercise!” Silence… Rumble, rumble… Click-click-click (Update standby sound). Whirr (Bone conduction hum). Rattle-clatter (Shaking of the headstone).

SNS

• #AfterlifeDiet
• Getting vibrations inside a coffin? What kind of punishment is this? lol #Smartwatch
• Theory: My ancestors are more health-conscious now that they’re dead.
• I panicked when I got a notification saying “Heart rate is 0,” but then I remembered they were already dead.
• Can someone ask a spirit medium how to deactivate the Eternal Watch?
• Power off when you die! That’s common sense! #DigitalEndofLife
• Is the world so harsh that you’re told you’re “too skinny” even after you’re just bones?
• Visited the grave and the headstone was micro-vibrating. So this was it. Lmao.
• The AI’s “never give up” attitude is going in completely the wrong direction.
• The difficulty for the “Do Not Disturb Eternal” update is set to Inferno level. I’m stuck.