Many Trapped in 'Leg Day' at Minato Gym; Self-Defense Forces to Airlift Protein

“I can’t go down the stairs.” Following desperate SOS calls on social media, the government designated the gym as “Muscle Soreness Level 4 (Unable to Descend Voluntarily).” With supply routes for anything other than BCAA cut off, the facility has turned into a field hospital where men share protein bars. Currently, drones have confirmed a line of massive men crawling on all fours toward the exit gates.

On the night of the 1st, a mass distress incident occurred at “Muscle Babel,” a large luxury fitness gym in Minato Ward, where numerous users became unable to walk immediately after training and were unable to return home. The cause was the mandatory monthly event held at the facility called “Madness Leg Day.” As a result of being pushed to their limits with squats and leg presses, users were unable to overcome the mere 15 steps of the descending staircase leading to the exit, collapsing one after another on their knees in front of the entrance.

Taking the situation seriously, the Cabinet Office designated the facility as the nation’s first “Muscle Soreness Level 4 (Unable to Descend Voluntarily)” restricted area in the early hours of the 2nd. According to initial reports, despite having bulging pectoral muscles and biceps, stalwart men whose lower bodies were completely immobilized were seen crawling across the floor toward water coolers and protein dispensers. On social media, heart-wrenching SOS calls such as “My knees are shaking like a newborn fawn” and “I’m only three steps from the automatic door, but my quadriceps have gone on strike” followed in quick succession.

Reconnaissance footage from drones of the second-floor free-weight area shows a scene resembling a field hospital. Bottles of amino acid drinks (BCAA) brought by users have already run dry, and there were sights of massive men tearfully sharing crumbs of protein bars that had fallen to the floor. Among them, some seriously affected individuals have begun to hallucinate due to excessive lactic acid accumulation, reportedly mumbling, “The muscles… the muscles are happy…”

To resolve the isolation, the Ministry of Defense decided to deploy the 1st Airborne Brigade. They carried out “Operation Bulk-Up Airlift,” dropping powdered protein and shakers through the glass windows. Furthermore, for the victims depleted of water and salt, a sniper demonstrated a miraculous feat by shooting water balloons filled with sports drinks to deliver them to their mouths, with deep cheers and sobbing voices echoing throughout the facility.

Professor Ando of Teito University, an expert in sports medicine, points out, “This is a man-made disaster caused by the imbalance of modern people who prioritize the appearance of the upper body and neglect the strengthening of the lower body.” A male office worker in his 30s, who was safely carried out of the building on a rescue stretcher, said with a hollow look while wrapped in a blanket, “I will super-compensate in three days. Next week, I want to challenge it by increasing the weight by 5 kilograms.” Their bodies have collapsed beyond their limits, but it seems that no one can stop the madness known as self-management.

Stakeholder Comments

• Rescued Trainee: “The floor was sparkling from the friction of pectoral muscles crawling along. We are the Roombas of Minato Ward.”
• Gym Personal Trainer: “Their push was perfect. It was just my mistake to forget to include the return route in the design.”
• GSDF Special Operations Group Member: “I’ve been on many battlefields, but it was my first time seeing such massive men all opening their mouths at once waiting for powder.”
• Professor Ando (Sports Medicine): “This is a type of addiction. They are experiencing a terminal cognitive bug where they misidentify pain as a ‘reward for the muscles.’”
• Minato Ward Taxi Driver: “Lately, I’ve had many customers crawling to get in, but I guess that was because of squats, not alcohol.”
• Top Step of the Stairs: “It was the moment I was promoted from a mere concrete step to the precipice of Mt. Everest.”
• Drone Pilot: “From above, it looked like a swarm of giant pill bugs slowly moving toward the protein dispenser.”
• Nearby Cafe Staff: “Since the Muscle Soreness Level 4 designation, delivery orders for chicken breast and broccoli have exploded, and the shop is on the verge of collapsing.”
• BCAA Drink: “It was I who sustained their lives. Worship me more than water.”
• On-site Paramedic: “When putting them on the stretcher, I was resisted with shouts of ‘Don’t press the pecs! The pump-up will be ruined!’ which delayed the transport.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Leg day comes / Knees are laughing now / Can’t go home
• Minato Ward / Crawling on the floor / A spring bear
• Protein / Falling from the sky / Muscle pain
• Lactic acid / Filed hospital gym / In the spring
• Like a fawn / Stalwart men / Collapsing down
• Downward stairs / Farther than Everest / Distant spring
• Super-recovery / Dreaming man crawls / At midnight
• Cries of muscle / Echoing through / The spring sky
• Waiting for rescue / On the pectoral muscles / A spring breeze
• Exit gate / Fading away / Leg mountain

Kanji / Chinese Characters

港区大型運動施設夜 強制脚日行利用多数歩行困難 筋肉痛最高段階指定 階段下降不能産鹿状態 自衛隊空中蛋白質投下 床這男達野戦病院化 回復望来週重量増誓

Emoji

🏋️‍♂️🦵💥➡️🦌💦🚑🚁🍼💪😭

Onomatopoeia

Gaku-gaku, buru-buru (shaking). Bata-t, zuri-zuri (thud, crawling). Poto-t, sara-sara (dropping, powder). Basa-basa-basa (helicopter). Pan! Goku-goku (pop, gulping). Muki-muki, shiku-shiku (muscular, sobbing).

SNS

• #LegDay results in distress? Seriously LOL
• I feel you so much about not being able to go down the stairs 😭 #MuscleSorenessLevel4
• A line of muscular guys crawling in the gym, someone should definitely make this a movie.
• SDF’s protein airlift is the right way to use taxes 🚁🍼
• Isn’t the gap between a huge upper body and knees like a fawn kind of cute?
• This is exactly why you should skip #LegDay (just an excuse)
• Someone said they look like giant larvae from a drone, I died laughing.
• To everyone in distress at #MuscleBabel, praying for your super-compensation 🙏
• Is Muscle Soreness Level 4 more severe than the summit of Mt. Fuji?
• They should install a slide instead of stairs next time LOL