Firewood Engraved with Corporate Apology Statements Sells Out Instantly for 50,000 Yen. Shareholders Praise It as 'Burning Well'

“I never imagined your company’s ‘sincerity’ could be this warm.” In the Marunouchi business district, shareholders gathered around a bonfire in front of a company’s main gate, speaking to each other with expressions of ecstasy. The wood they were burning was no ordinary firewood. It was a custom-made piece of high-grade Japanese cypress, laser-engraved word-for-word with the “Apology Statement” of the company’s president, who had caused a public outcry over inappropriate accounting just the night before.

The “Real Flame-up Set,” released this month by the startup “Burning Solutions,” is seeing explosive sales, primarily among the wealthy. The price is 50,000 yen (excluding tax) per log. Slanderous hashtags like “#NeverForgiveCompanyX” flying across the internet and the boilerplate text of press releases are immediately engraved onto Kiso cypress over 100 years old. By the morning after a scandal is discovered, they are delivered to customers via “Heat Delivery”—the opposite of refrigerated shipping. “Digital rage is a hollow thing that vanishes once you close the screen. However, if you convert it into physical heat (calories), it saves on heating bills and heals both the heart and the body,” Mamoru Hidane, CEO of the company, argues with a straight face.

The breakthrough of this service lies in the literal sublimation of a company’s “adding fuel to the fire” into a physical phenomenon. Until now, online “flaming” only produced mental exhaustion. But with the appearance of the “Real Flame-up Set,” scandals have been transformed into “high-combustion entertainment.” Particularly popular is the “Investigation Report Firewood (Charcoal),” which features an engraved summary of a third-party committee’s report. Because it is thick, has a long burning time, and smolders slowly, it has seen a flood of orders from tea masters and sauna enthusiasts who say the way it burns “is elegant, symbolizing the company’s culture of concealment.”

The situation is accelerating in an even more bizarre direction. While originally used as a form of protest, recently, companies that have “gone up in flames” have begun to adopt these logs as “official company merchandise.” “If we’re going to be burned anyway, we’d rather people burn high-quality wood managed by our own company,” says a public relations representative for a major manufacturer where data falsification was recently discovered. At the venue of their apology press conference, they distributed “Apology Firewood” as commemorative gifts to the press corps. During the conference, instead of camera flashes, the crackling sound of a bonfire echoed throughout, creating an abnormal situation where the seriousness of the scandal was replaced by a sense of campfire-like unity.

This trend is called “S.D.G.s (Super Drastic Glow Spending),” and it is forming a new ecosystem. By converting the energy of anger into thermal energy, data even suggests that electricity consumption in winter has been reduced by 15% in some parts of the city center. One investor remarked, “I used to get a stomachache when stock prices fell, but now I get excited, thinking, ‘Oh, some good fuel has come in.’ Firewood cut into the shape of a crashing chart burns the best of all.”

However, there are concerns. If peace continues, a fuel shortage occurs. Last week, on a day when there wasn’t a single notable scandal, Burning Solutions’ stock price hit the daily limit down. In the market, a sense of frustration is beginning to drift: “If someone doesn’t make a gaffe soon, we won’t make it in time for the weekend barbecue.” A perverted “match-and-pump” scenario has even been observed where some wealthy individuals use AI to fabricate fake scandals just to turn them into firewood. People are beginning to realize that they have become inhabitants of a “Burning Society,” where they must continue to toss the misfortunes of others into the fire as firewood just to stay warm.

Looking up at the sky where sparks were dancing, a veteran internet user whispered: “In the end, the most expensive firewood might be the piece named ‘Silence,’ with nothing written on it at all.” Those words, too, were instantly engraved by laser and turned to ash in someone’s fireplace.

Stakeholder Comments

• Mamoru Hidane (CEO of Burning Solutions) “I want to eliminate the negative stigma attached to the term ‘flame marketing.’ What we provide is not a marketing tactic, but a lifestyle.”
• Individual Investor (Male in his 50s who purchased the set) “The moment the character for ‘regret’ in ‘We deeply regret this’ turns to charcoal and crumbles away, I feel an indescribable catharsis. This is true ‘burning off’ of debt.”
• PR Representative of a Scandal-Ridden Company “If our blunder can become the spark for everyone’s gathering, it is our greatest wish. We expect to be able to provide more highly combustible material next week.”
• Representative of an Environmental Organization “While it is groundbreaking from the perspective of recycling emotional energy, we are concerned about the impact of the ‘irony gas’ generated during combustion on the ozone layer.”
• Owner of a Long-Established Lumber Wholesaler “In the old days, I sold wood to build houses, but now I sell the words of presidents who have lost their houses. Well, it’s all wood either way.”
• Sauna Enthusiast “Totonoi-maru” “The ‘aufguss’ from apology statement firewood is exceptional. Steam mixed with cold sweat and greasy sweat seeps deep into the pores.”
• A Passing Firefighter “We can’t extinguish fires in the heart, but physical bonfires are within our jurisdiction. However, lately, the ‘seed’ of the fire (the cause) is more troublesome than the fire itself.”
• Laser Engraver used for engraving “Whirrr… (Lately, I feel like I’m engraving the same boilerplate text over and over. I’m learning the sentences better than the AI.)”
• The “Firewood” personified “I’m not hot because of anger. I’m hot because you’re burning me. But in the end, what turns to ash—the company’s credibility or your conscience?”
• Online News Reporter “This article will probably be burned anyway, right? I don’t mind. Please use a bold Mincho font for the headline.”

International Expressions

Haiku

• Apology note / Burning so thoroughly / No smoke even rises
• Online flames / Converted to physics / To keep us warm
• Boiling the bathwater / With the heat / Of shareholder rage
• The weight of the ash / From letters of apology / Spring snow
• Burning logs / Logs vanishing / A winter night
• Struck and polished / Then burned / To become charcoal
• Boilerplate words / Crackling and popping / Becoming lies
• Gathering ‘round the fire / Looking up at the headquarters / A hollow sky
• Even a scandal / Once it passes / Is just a charcoal ball
• Colder than the fireplace / Is the world / Of the internet

Kanji / Chinese Characters

物理的炎上商法 (Physical Flame Marketing) 謝罪文刻印高級薪 (Premium Firewood Engraved with Apology Statements) 一束五万即日完売 (50,000 Yen per Bundle, Sold Out Same Day) 感情熱量変換暖房 (Emotional-to-Thermal Energy Conversion Heating) 株主総会焚火デモ (Shareholders’ Meeting Bonfire Protest) 定型文燃焼灰燼帰 (Boilerplate Text Burning to Ashes) 罵詈雑言火力発電 (Slanderous Words Thermal Power Generation)

Emoji

🔥🪵📉🙇‍♂️💸🔜🌡️🏕️😡➡️🤗🌬️🏭🤝🚫🤡🔁🍵

Onomatopoeia

Mera-mera (Flames of public opinion and fire) Pachi-pachi (Firewood crackling and applause) Kari-kari (Laser engraving and irritation) Zudon (Stock price dropping and the sound of placing a log) Fuwa-f (Smoke and evasion of responsibility) Kachi-kachi (The sound of a lighter and an executive’s teeth chattering)

SNS

• #RealFlameupSet “Deeply apologize…” part burns the hottest, LOL.
• Bought the 50,000 yen firewood! Barbecuing with this makes the meat taste like executive compensation.
• Bonfire protest now. My first time at a physically warm protest. I might only need this for winter. #Warm
• The fact that the scandal-ridden company started selling their own firewood is almost likeable. No, it’s not, but I’ll burn it anyway.
• Why can’t I buy firewood on peaceful days? Someone say something stupid fast! I’m freezing to death!
• Is it true that Mincho font burns more easily than Gothic for apology statements? #Trivia
• Is it true that SDGs stands for “Super Drastic Glow Spending”?
• Converting digital poison into physical heat. This is truly modern alchemy.
• The firewood from the company I support smelled as good as incense (I’m losing it).
• Conclusion: The emptiness didn’t disappear even after burning it. But the roasted sweet potatoes were delicious.